*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Watermelon Boss!
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling