[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.