typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
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multitasking lunch
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.