Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
couldn’t resist
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
The internet is full of many things
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.