Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)