Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
You Might Also Like
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars