TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?