u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
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Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.