u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I hate when that happens.
See..?
.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.