U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

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I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.


[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]


I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.


All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own


Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess


“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money


Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.


there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.


Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.