@pleatedjeans

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

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@causticbob

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

@david8hughes

[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”

@Darlainky

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

@dimplesticks

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

@wittwitbarista

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

@Eden_Eats

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

@megan_stuhr

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

@dadmann_walking

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

@SnarkyMommy78

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.