u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
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*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?