u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
You Might Also Like
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.