U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
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If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
ugh not again
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
This is Sparta
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born