U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
You Might Also Like
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My plans: 2020:
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
mom had nothing to worry about
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”