U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.