…u ok Nintendo?
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I am having an out of money experience.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?