@Charalanahzard

…u ok Nintendo?

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@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@pauleggleston

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

@ErrenMichaels

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

@carlyken

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

@MoneypennyNaked

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

@WaltzingRhino

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

@PaperWash

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

@Brampersandon_

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

@ilovepie84

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God