u spoke cat all this time??????
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Taliband
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk