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You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Yes
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.