U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
checking out some reviews of my local library
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*