Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
You Might Also Like
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.