Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
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buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I am a gravy boat captain
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Monica just destroyed the internet
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.