uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
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I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Found my door mat
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.