Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

watergate? u mean a dam??

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

You are not alone 💚

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”