uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
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It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Breaking news:
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008