Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.