Uber Eats:
Food
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Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
New mindset, who dis?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.