Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”