Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Cndnsd Mlk
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
The booster protects against what, now?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things