uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
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“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
I hate everything
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I think they could have phrased this better
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.