UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
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6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
all that yoga finally paid off
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Boy never ceases to amaze me
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you