Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.