ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
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America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
worst…sale…ever
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no