@TheRolo

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

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@MelvinofYork

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

@jakelikesnaps

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

@BrianStack153

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

@SteveKoehler22

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

@djdarrellripley

Her: You have very beautiful hair.

Me: Oh, you flirt!

*Hands me her card*

Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…

@3sunzzz

My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.

@ashmensch

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

@SeinfeldToday

George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”

@girl_a_whirl

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

@DameSpunky

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.