@amburgklur

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

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@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

@FatherWithTwins

Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!

Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.

@YSylon

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

@GoodZiIIa

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

@lydie_glass

“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.

I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.

@daemonic3

WIFE: i’m leaving you

ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?

WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece

ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?

@truegritrumble

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@Boywhiz88

Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough