ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
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She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now