Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
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Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.