Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
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Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
My dad is at it again
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.