Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?