@pleatedjeans *requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
@maebemarbles “Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
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@pleatedjeans @pleatedjeans me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
@trevso_electric Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
@CloydRivers Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
@Boleyngirly When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
@badAzz_mom If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
@VaguelyFunnyDan (Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
@GuyThe_Guy I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
@HallpassCanada Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
@sofarrsogud ‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.