@maebemarbles

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

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@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

@pleatedjeans

me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order

@trevso_electric

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

@CloydRivers

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

@GuyThe_Guy

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@sofarrsogud

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.