“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

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*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*


me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order


Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?


Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.


(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)


I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.


‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.