Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.