Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
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infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
(Musicians.)
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.