@elunatyk

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

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@lawyerthoughts

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

@Smooheed

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

@UncleDuke1969

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

@Cheeseboy22

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

@mcs212

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

@samlymatters

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

@DanMentos

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”