Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
You Might Also Like
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
These 3D printers are insane!
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*