Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.