Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“What movie?” 🤔
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop