Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?