Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?