Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
You Might Also Like
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“You’ve reached 911”
“This is not-”
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben shot real bad
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.