Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

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Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake


I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.


“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad


Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.


If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”


I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.


I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.


Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!


If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.