@NicCageMatch

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

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@Book_Krazy

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

@DanMentos

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

@hyperblastchic

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

@JasonLastname

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

@mydmac

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

@Moi_RaRa

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

@SondraDeeMe

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.