“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Sunday
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Finally!
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.