Ugh
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 馃
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I鈥檇 like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
馃ぃdope
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But鈥ow?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~