Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
You Might Also Like
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!